The following is a
short reflection piece that I wrote last week for the part-time chaplaincy
internship that I started with the Durham VA Hospital on September 11,
2012. This is perhaps a fitting season
for introspection. Last month marked the
6-year anniversary of me moving from Arizona to Durham, NC, to start a grad
program at Duke University Divinity School.
And it was this month four years ago that I graduated from that
program. In this season, for the first
time in my adult life, I have not had a clear major goal that I was
pursuing. And I hate not having
one. The whys and hows of how I got to
this place are complicated I will not claim to understand or recognize most of
them. This short bit is in some ways
about trying to get back up. At least I
think it is about that. Time will tell.
Heading into my first day of actual on-the-floor chaplaincy
hours this past weekend, there was one thought among the many racing around in
my head stood out: “I hope I like this.”
Behind that wish is a long season of hopes, fears, confusions, and
uncertainties about what I am doing with my life. Though it sounds overdramatic to say, I have
felt fairly lost for nearly six years.
Knowing that I would be exploring something new with the Durham VA
chaplaincy program’s part-time internship, I have found myself thinking the
last few weeks about why I have felt vocationally lost and have struggled to
maintain a sense of purpose.
Perhaps a
saying I saw on someone’s Facebook wall sums up the “how” of losing direction: “What
screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it is supposed to
be.” For me the picture I had since the
end of my junior year of college was of me getting a PhD and teaching about
Christianity in a higher ed context.
While not all of the particulars would stay the same in this dream, the
broad picture of teaching academically about Scripture and theology remained
fairly constant for almost 11 years.
Between 1998 and 2008, I was setting my life up to make this
happen. I went to seminary after college
and got a master of divinity degree and then made the huge leap 2000 miles east
of Mesa, Arizona, to go to Duke Divinity School for a master of theology (ThM)
in New Testament; this was supposed to be the penultimate step before finally
doing a PhD. Then something in me broke. Or cracked.
I am not sure which.
When I finished my ThM in September
2008, I decided not to try to go on for a PhD, effectively shutting the door on
the possibility of being a college professor. I am not sure I understand all of
the reasons why I stopped; surely being broke, burnt out, and afraid of even more
school loan debt contributed. Regardless,
I never had a Plan B and have had difficulty since coming up with one. Sometimes I think being around other Duke and
UNC go-getters “following their dreams” has led me to create a subtle voice in
my head. It tells me I have squandered
opportunities and am a failure. Though I
cognitively know that such suspicions are bourgeois concerns and
self-indulgent, they still haunt me nonetheless. Where I am is not where I had hoped to be.
Stepping into chaplaincy is a step
toward engaging my disappointments. I
have spent the last 4.5 years simply going to my campus admin support jobs and
living for the weekends. That has made
me tired. I want to use what I have had
the opportunity to learn in seminary and in life in the Church. I think the desire I have to teach about God’s
good news is really a desire to connect with other human beings over what
matters most, life with and through the Triune God. While chaplaincy is not so much about
teaching abstract theology, it is about listening and embodying to others the
heart of the gospel. It may ultimately prove to not be a good fit. But regardless, it is a chance to be there
for others and hopefully get me out of my own head a bit. It is hard to be mopey about your own stuff
when you are faithfully being present to others who find there own hopes and
dreams shaken by bodies that lead to hospitals.
Maybe this is my time to live into a beautiful axiom that I think is
reflected throughout Scripture and has helped keep me going in life: we are not
called to be successful; we are called to be faithful.
4 comments:
Very honest and moving, David. All theology is practical theology. Would Jesus occupy a faculty office, or would he be drawn to the halls of a VA hospital to meet the sick and wounded?
When you first shared about the chaplaincy, I said a little prayer of thanksgiving... Hooray, David is going to tap into his theological training and experience! Although it can feel shaky, uncertain, disappointing in our driven society that doesn't lend itself much to "meandering," I am delighted that you will discover and reflect the Triune God at the VAMC. As my former pastor (Dean Wells) shared about why he accepted a vicar position in an economically desparate community with a struggling parish, "I want to meet Jesus." As you know... he never lost sight of the precious holy inefficiency of simply "being with" others. Will keep you in my prayers as God ministers in and through you among our vets.
Blessings from another person who is not doing what I thought I'd be doing, but at least trying SOMETHING! I'm looking forward to reading abut your experiences in chaplaincy.
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